REVIEW: Made In Chelsea S7 E9

Tonight’s episode largely orbited around the fall-out of Stevie’s birthday party; i.e. orgy-gate (a gate which we really don’t want to open).

The episode kicked off with Spencer and Alex having an awkward run-in on a street corner – where else? – where Alex accused Spencer of letting him down, as Spencer told Jamie who told Lucy who told Louise (you couldn’t make this up) who, finally, told Binky about the orgy. 

Can I just take a moment to say I LOVE Sam? I think he’s hilarious, impeccably turned-out and a master of the casual gangsta-lingo he uses so nonchalantly.

Anyway… The love square between Sam-Christianna-Stevie-Riley rumbled on, with Sam genuinely gutted that alleged BFF Spencer betrayed the first rule of the Guy Code (totally a thing) by stealing Christianna from – quite literally – right under Sam’s nose. Don’t worry, Sam; the good ones can’t be stolen! (Unless it’s just some weird magnetism thing that Spencer possesses? I mean, these woman will have watched the show before they appear on it, right? SURELY they must know what Spennie’s like?)

To Chancery Lane! For ice-laden cocktails with Stephanie and Louise, who are talking about – what else? – the Binky-Alex thing. (This ‘thing’ has literally taken up the whole series, btw. When. Will. It. End.) Louise is rightly fuming that Spencer has upset Sam and lo! Cut to Spencer and Christianna on a date, making small talk about how old Spencer may – or may not – be. He calls her a ‘little golden bear’… And the nation shivers.

Oh, lolz! Stevie and Andy have turned up at the cocktail bar where Stephanie and Louise are chewing the fat (juice?), wearing floral garlands. (Well, it IS a Hawaiian-themed bar.) Uh oh:. Stevie has invited Stephanie to go on a tour of London with him. I think I can see the plot for the whole of the rest of the series stretching ahead… (You said we weren’t exclusive, Riley! etc)

Mark-Francis is shopping for cars. I love Mark-Francis almost as much as I love Sam. Rosie has inexplicably joined M-F for this shopping trip, and is humouring him in the fashion of a bored shop assistant. Is the car for London, she asks? No! Trills M-F. It’s for the Riviera – but of course. The segment ends, as all M-F segments do, with him grinning at the camera and, as ever, I find myself wishing I had his eyebrows. They’re perfect.

In other significant news, Binky has opened her front door. There are flowers. I wonder who they could be from…? (Oh, wait. NO I DON’T. You don’t need to be an Agatha Christie character to solve this thinly-veiled mystery.)

Sam and Louise are eating breakfast. Fluffy-haired Toff has turned up to kill their breaking-fast fun; Louise narrows her eyes at the camera as she shuts the door behind her. Lo and behold, Sam receives a text from Spennie, inviting him to join him for a drink. Sam’s response? “I ain’t gonna gooo.” #ClassicSam

Mark-Francis and Rosie have gone for a test-drive. Rosie’s hat blows off, and Mark-Francis peels into laughter that sounds exactly like this: “Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!” M-F is clearly glad to see the demise of the hat…

Jamie and Stephanie join Riley and Lucy for brunch; Riley leaves (Jamie says he’ll call her, she reminds him he doesn’t have her number). Stephanie tells Jamie and Lucy about Stevie’s invite to tour London; once again, everyone seems to hear this as ‘Stevie’s invite to have sex’. Jamie is delighted, sensing a chance to pounce on Riley; Lucy is outraged.

Binky is walking along the river, still holding the flowers. Oh! Lo and behold, she bumps into Alex. Alex is wearing a hat, which instantly puts me on edge (his hair is the springiest thing about the show). Oh no, they’re both crying. This is awkward. Why do they need to do this in public? Like, was Binky’s house busy for filming or something? Alex says they’re ‘amazing together’, saying they’re ‘soulmates’ because they share a birthday. Um… Binky leaves; Alex is left with his tears and his beanie.

Stephanie and Stevie are admiring the view of London from a private rooftop; ‘saves time’ as Stevie smirks. Stephanie reveals she already knows London pretty well – what can this mean…?

Uh oh. Louise has gone to meet Spencer at the pub. Spencer justifies the orgy (I am so OVER typing that word!) by saying that Alex didn’t need to… I kind of missed this bit as my dog threw his tennis ball at me.

Stephanie and Stevie have just kissed, guys. Just thought I’d let you know.

The gang are bowling in Shoreditch. Jamie has invited Sam to a picnic in a bid to cheer him up and it al sounds lovely and – oh no, Spencer has turned up, like the Big Bad Wolf! Jamie says Spencer doesn’t respect Sam, Spencer accuses Jamie of violating his ‘trust’ by telling Lucy about the orgy (that word AGAIN!). Spencer attempts to resolve the situation with Sam by offering to buy him lunch. Simple things..

The girls are on a boat. Binky reveals she is terrfieid of being alone; Louise and Lucy reassure her that she has them. It’s pretty sweet.

Sam overhears Stevie telling Andy he kissed Stephanie. Uh oh spaghetti-oh…

Um, there’s just been a chewing gum starring Antonio Banderas and a talking donut. I think all this orgy-talk has turned me a bit mad…

The picnic has begun! Binky thanks Jamie (‘bub’) for telling all about the orgy; he apologises for not telling her sooner. Sam tells Riley about Stevie’s date with Stephanie; oh no, Stevie’s coming over! It’s all quite awkward and sad, but a sombre Stevie is able to pacify himself with a strawberry.

Showdown time between Binky and Spencer (and battle of the hats between Binky and Christianna). Jamie has gone ROGUE an is not backing his boi like usual; it’s actually quite refreshing. What is wrong with Spencer? Like, really? He ends the exchange with ‘cool’, sauntering off in an angry, tweedy kinda way.

Stephanie and Stevie are on a picnic blanket in the woods. (Stevie doesn’t usually wear green, he confides in her; ‘brave!’ chirrups Stephanie.) Stevie reveals he is ‘excited’ for what the future holds. Cut to Jamie and Riley (and Lucy, who is promptly ejected from the convo); Jamie asks Riley for a drink. ‘We have nothing to lose, shall we do it?’ #Romance

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